A Narcissists Gift
If you have ever been the victim of domestic violence, you understand how difficult it can be to recover from it. Whether it was one act of physical abuse or years of emotional hurt, the damage can take years to heal, and rarely if ever go away completely. As a survivor, the topic of intimate partner violence is personal for me, and it seems to be gathering a renewed sense of urgency in North America. Having dealt with the brutality of the physical violence as well as the trauma associated with the emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, I can say without a doubt that one of the most damaging, debilitating and heinous types of psychological abuse one person can inflict upon another, comes from that of the narcissist. As I begin to unpack the emotional trauma my former wife saddled me with, I can attest to the fact that the wounds inflicted by a narcissist go much deeper than just emotional.
Narcissism as a whole is not a bad trait. Each one of us will exhibit varying degrees of narcissistic behavior and for the most part, it is healthy. It is what brings us joy when we complete a difficult task and protects us from failures and burnout, but after that, the line between the two gets clouded. Too little narcissism is considered to be just as pathological as having too much. However, where too little narcissism will lead to insecurity, a person with too much will suffer from an inflated ego, which ultimately causes them to have little or no empathy towards others. They feel entitled to the best of everything and have no difficulty exploiting others to get what they want. Since they are not aware of how their actions affect others, they feel no shame or remorse.
It can be hard to imagine that a disorder related to having such an inflated ego can cause so much harm, but when you are consistently inflicting emotional abuse upon a person, you create an emotional trauma within that person. When the emotional abuse happens over a long enough period, the victim will develop not only PTSD but C-PTSD as well. While PTSD is usually reserved for victims of war, survivors of a car crash, and isolated acts of violence, C-PTSD is reserved for those suffering from severe and repetitive trauma, like that inflicted by a narcissist. It can be difficult to distinguish the differences between the disorders as they both are the consequences of something deeply traumatic. Those suffering from either form know they cause flashbacks, nightmares, and insomnia. However, where the negative symptoms of PTSD are usually temporary or defined as a result of the disorder, the same cannot be said for individuals with C-PTSD. Their symptoms are not limited to a mental state, and they are vulnerable to physical symptoms that can’t be medically explained. These somatic symptoms usually occur over many years, and medical evaluation does not explain the symptoms, or the symptoms may exceed what would be expected in any medical illness that is found. While pain is often the most common symptom, it is important to note that symptoms can appear in any part of the body. If the individual already suffered from a chronic illness before being victimized, then C-PTSD often exacerbates the illness. Of course as illnesses flair up, the stress on the individual increases, which in turn causes more somatic symptoms. To help ease the pain those suffering from C-PTSD will often dissociate from the world around them. While this emotionally numbs them, it also interferes with their long term healing and often makes them highly susceptible to further trauma and abuse.
If the effects of PTSD and C-PTSD weren’t enough to scare you into leaving an abusive relationship, then maybe the fact that Neuroscientists have recently discovered that long-term narcissistic abuse can lead to physical brain damage will. Yes, you read that correctly, actual physical brain damage is a consequence of having been in a long-term narcissistic relationship. The emotional and psychological trauma one experiences is well known and often talked about, but little is said about the brain damage. I can not stress enough that if you are in an abusive relationship with a partner that cares very little about your emotional well-being or that of the rest fo the family, you must leave immediately. If there are children involved, then the situation becomes that much more dire.
Those suffering long term trauma, at the hands of a narcissist, show a decrease in the hippocampus area of the brain. This is the area of your brain that is in charge of your short term memory and your ability to learn. The more that a person is abused by a narcissist, the smaller their hippocampus becomes. The other area of our brain that is changed is our amygdala, which is that part of our brain that controls our emotions, including our flight, fight, freeze response. When you are constantly being abused by a narcissist, you will find that your amygdala is always functioning at a heightened state of awareness. While I was not able to see it at the time, I was constantly living in a state of fear and anxiety. Near the end of our relationship, even the smallest sign of abuse would trigger me, and I would react.
Once the abuse has transpired over a long enough period, the victim will begin to find ways to cope and survive. To make it through each day you will begin to suffer from dissociative amnesia whereby you begin to seek out the abuser’s positive traits and become transfixed on their charming side. On the opposite side, others may become obsessively angry at the abuser to the point where they become so bitter that they seek vengeance.
The good news is that the damage doesn’t appear to be permanent, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, or EMDR has shown very positive outcomes for those that have suffered at the hands of a narcissist. EMDR is an integrative psychotherapy approach for the treatment of trauma, panic attacks, grief, depression, disturbing memories, phobias, anxiety, stress, addictions, and sexual and/or physical abuse. It covers all the abuse we suffer from at the hands of a narcissist. Regardless of what treatment you seek, the biggest help that you can give yourself is to get out of the relationship as quickly as possible.
If you choose to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, know it will not be easy. A narcissist will never change their behavior unless the change benefits them. You will need to set clear boundaries with punishments that escalate every time they are crossed. Their relationship with you is about power, and as you demand respect they may choose to change, or they will move on to another victim.
