Disarming The Boss
How to deal with a bossy spouse
While each relationship and marriage have their unique challenges, one of the more difficult ones to face is that on a bossy spouse. This situation is not gender-specific and is often a sign of deeper trouble in the relationship. More often than not, when one spouse continually tells the other spouse what to do and how to do it, they seldom realize the destructive effects this behavior has on the relationship. When you dig deep enough into every couple in crisis, you will find one spouse attempting to control the other spouse’s thoughts, actions, feelings, and even beliefs. The offending spouse never seems to understand the resentment that is building up until the other spouse erupts into rage, get violent, has an affair, or demands a separation or a divorce.
None of us are immune to this type of behavior as we all occasionally find ourselves interrupting our spouse, our friends, and even strangers with how we think something should be done. When we do it often enough to one specific person, even if it is not intentional, we are telling that person that we feel they are not competent enough to think for themselves. What starts as a molehill will quickly grow into a mountain as it makes the recipient feeling demeaned, and it destroys their self-image. Helicopter parents will quickly find their teens resenting them for not allowing them to make some decisions on their own. Marriages will gradually fail when spouses act as parents rather than partners.
While every situation is unique there are steps you can take to help alleviate or manage a bossy spouse. It is important to remember that the behavior we want to see in our spouse must be modeled within us as well. You should not expect a change in behavior if you are also exhibiting the same. To help fix the problems with a bossy spouse:
- Learn to explore your emotions and how this behavior makes you feel. This often entails writing them down and spending the next several days coming back to them and reading them to yourself, out loud. This allows you to see if, what you wrote, validates how you feel. If not re-write them until they do. When you are comfortable with the words that you have written, its time to share them with your spouse.
- Soft start the conversation. Think of it this way. If your partner comes to you with a legitimate complaint, and their words and tone are void of blame and contempt, then you will not feel attacked and go on the defensive. The Gottman Institute has more tips about how to soften your start-up.
- Learn the difference between “I” and “You” statements. Remember that when you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more true than in relationships. When you open up to your spouse, phrase every word in terms of what you are feeling, and not what they do. Using a phrase like “Right now I am feeling like I am back in grade school” comes across much differently then “You treat me like I’m a child”. Your goal is to help your partner understand how their actions make you feel and to get them to change their behavior. Your chances of success are far greater when they don’t feel attacked, so focus on your needs and how this change will benefit them.
- If during the conversation, your spouse purposely or inadvertently reverts to a “parenting” role and you recognize that your negative feelings are coming back, calmly reaffirm what you feel and what the behavior was that has brought them up.
- Unfortunately, this conversation may go back and forth, and it may need to stop and start again for emotions to settle.
- When your spouse understands how their behavior has made you feel it is now time to ask them what they will do differently.
- Remember that a changed behavior takes time and needs to be judgment-free. Bashing or belittling your spouse because they have not changed their behavior fast enough will only serve to further damage the relationship. Be kind and tender and coach them when they don’t get it right.
Whatever you do, don’t put this conversation off, thinking it will get better on its own. It never does and it will only serve to further create more resentment and keep the door open for this type of behavior to continue.
