Indifference
The silent killer of relationships
For years now, the expert relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute have been telling us about the Four Horsemen and how they destroy marriages. Most marriages can survive the four horsemen given time and proper techniques. While there is no denying how damaging they can be to any relationship, there is another relationship killer that is often far more deadly than the horsemen. In “The Beloved Ego: Foundations of the New Study of the Psyche” by prominent Austrian psychologist Wilhelm Stekel he states:
“There is no love without hate; and there is no hate without love. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference; the opposite of feeling can only be the absence of feeling. Disinclination, which is colored by feeling, often only serves the purpose of concealing and protecting oneself against an inclination. Love and hate must go hand in hand; and the people we love most we hate also because hate is grounded in the nature of love.”
It is there, in that quote, that we find a real killer of our relationships. While most forms of betrayal involve having an affair or lying about where the money went, this one is far more sinister and is categorized as a form of emotional abuse. It happens when your partner ignores your emotional, financial, physical, mental, sexual and/or spiritual well-being they’ve committed to care about. It comes in the form of your partner’s attitude, which says “ You don’t mean enough to me to give you my time and energy nor do I wish to meet your needs.” Professionals call this form of abuse “Indifference” and it often leaves us feeling abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. Indifference posses little harm to a marriage when things are going well but it is often the final nail in the coffin when a marriage is failing.
In a relationship suffering from indifference, there are no arguments, so from all out worldly appearances, everything appears to be normal. There are no fights or arguments because you don’t care who is right or if you felt hurt by your partner’s words or actions. Trust is an afterthought because if you’re indifferent, you don’t care about earning it or trusting the other person. The relationship is based on an illusion that both parties have silently agreed upon, but in reality, the relationship ended long ago.
While indifference often seals the fate of the relationship, there are ways to combat it and shift the momentum the other way. Start leaning into your partner and paying attention to them again. Yes, this will require dedication and effort on each of your parts and often involves getting to know them all over again. We often become immune to our partner’s ability to laugh at our jokes, to put up with our quirks, or how they mow the lawn without being told. It is here, in these moments, that we need to open up and say “Thank you”. Let them know you appreciate them and be specific about why. Be vulnerable and talk about the reason about why you can count on them and what you miss about them when they are not there. If half of communication is listening, make sure you give your partner time to speak as well. Listen to what they have to say, not to respond, but to hear them. While there are no guarantees that your marriage will be saved, you must remember that if you don’t pay attention to your spouse and show appreciation for them, someone else will. This is how affairs begin, and how marriages end. If you take your spouse for granted, there’s someone out there who won’t.
