It’s Not Your Fault
While many different causes claim each month as their own, and this month is no exception, October happens to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As a victim of domestic violence this is a subject very near and dear to me. One conversation or story is not enough to truly give this topic the space it deserves but one more conversation may convince one more person to seek help from an abusive relationship. When we give a voice to domestic violence we take the power away from the abuser and change it to a survivors movement.
Back in 1981, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence started this cause out as a Day of Unity to connect battered women’s advocates across the country. While we have come a long way since 1981 the fact is Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) still affects millions of women and men, of every race, religion, culture, and status and remains a largely hidden problem. When most people think of domestic violence it usually involves just punches and black eyes but the truth of the matter is that abuse in intimate relationships is a pattern of behavior where one partner dominates, belittles or humiliates the other over months and years. It’s the stalking that happens or the threats and isolation. It’s the yelling, humiliation, and manipulation. It’s the stealing of your paycheck or control over all the finances. It’s the constant use of the silent treatment or calling someone stupid enough times that they begin to believe it.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in the United States alone over 1.3 million women and almost 850,000 men are assaulted each year by those people that tell them they love them. The Centers for Disease Control found that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men will be the victims of intimate partner violence at some point in their lives. While women are victimized more often by their male partners they are also battered and manipulated by their female partners. Violence against males from female partners has seen a dramatic rise over the past decade as more and more men are shaking off the stigma and reporting the abuse.
While the victims of domestic violence are typically adults many studies show that 1 in 5 females in high school have reported being abused by a partner that they were dating. Another study found that 3 out of 5 teens (both male and female) say they have been humiliated and ridiculed and made to feel bad about themselves by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
While the statistics can be shocking what is often forgotten is the numbers are often much higher than what is reported as victims often don’t report the abuse. Having been in an abusive relationship for over a decade I can tell you most victims have a sense of fear instilled upon them that if they complain or try to leave more harm will come to them. A sense of shame or that nobody will believe them may also be valid reasons why a victim may not report the abuse. Occasionally the victims become so numb to the violence and manipulation that they don’t even recognize that they are victims. Often, it is only when someone is seriously hurt, killed or has an emotional breakdown that friends and family members realize what has been happening.
While it is not always the case more often then not the abuser grew up in a family or culture where abuse was normal and they often are unable to recognize that their behavior is not normal or acceptable. Many victims report that when things are going well in the relationship all is well. My wife and I enjoyed several great years together that were devoid of any hints of violence or abuse. The abuse when they become angered or they feel threatened by real or perceived slights are unable to control themselves and become violent.
The Cycle of Violence
The cycle of abuse often begins well before the victim is ever in an intimate relationship. While different studies show different values it would appear somewhere between 3.3 and 10 million children in the United States witness acts of domestic violence each and every year. While one event usually has no long term effect on children repeated exposure teaches children that these acts are normal and acceptable. These events may later manifest into the child thinking it is acceptable to treat their partner this way or that they allow themselves to be abused because it is normal behavior for them. Thus the pattern of abuser/victim jumps from one generation to the next unless someone has the courage to call for help.
The victims of abuse often do not realize when the abuse began as the buildup happens over many years and starts off very subtle and gradual. Looking back on my marriage it is almost impossible to pinpoint the exact date my wife started abusing me. What I do remember most was waking up to what was happening and trying to protect my children. As the abuse continues the victim’s sense of self-esteem is undermined and before they know it the victim has become very dependent on the abuser. Other times the victims have a long history of victimization that extends well back into their childhood and find themselves drawn to a partner that continues this cycle because it feels familiar. For these victims the verbal abuse or the coercion into sex or being taken advantage of is normal and just a continuation of what has happened all throughout their lives.
The cycle of violence can be stopped.
Finding the courage to get out of an abusive relationship is never easy but the cycle of violence can be stopped. Abusers can find help by attending therapy and programs designed to teach them how to appropriately express their anger. Couples counseling and parent education classes can teach couples how to be loving and supportive partners and parents. Children exposed to domestic violence can also be healed and their parents take proactive steps for finding treatment.
What we all need to remember though is that when it comes to intimate partner violence or domestic abuse there is no such thing as an innocent bystander. If you see someone being abused or you know of someone that is being abused and you do nothing about it you are enabling and supporting it. If you suspect that a person you know is in an abusive relationship you need to understand that they may not realize they are in an abusive relationship and they may not want to talk about it. If the person is showing signs of being in denial give them all the information you can about abuse in intimate relationships. While it may take time for them to realize they are in an abusive relationship you need to understand that their own awareness of what is happening to them is a process and not an event. This may take months or even years. Once the individual understands that they are in an abusive relationship encourage them to learn more and offer to assist them in contacting community agencies which can help them with safety planning and other resources. If you feel the person’s immediate health and safety are in danger please contact law enforcement for help.
Safety planning
If your partner has ever been violent you need to realize that the violence could happen again at any time and you should have a safety plan so you can get out quickly if necessary. If you decide to leave the relationship:
- Know that separating is one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship as the abuser will see this as a loss of control and they will do whatever they feel is necessary to get you back. While this does not mean you should stay in an abusive relationship you must carefully assess the risks and properly plan how you will stay safe. Often this involves telling someone you can trust that you are in an abusive relationship and tell them how they can assist you in staying safe. Make sure they are aware of any custody or no-contact orders that are in place and carefully plan and research where you can go if you need to leave and prepare how you will get there. While most communities have domestic violence shelters for women this is not always the case if you are a man in an abusive relationship. You will have to find a member of your family or a friend that can offer a safe place for you. Both men and women need proper shelters and it will take a while for society to catch up. Do NOT plan to go to the home of a friend or relative where the abuser will think to loo as this may endanger all of you. That might endanger all of you.
- Memorize any and all emergency numbers like a safe friend, taxi or law enforcement.
- Learn all you can now about emergency protection orders, restraining orders, peace bonds or other legal ways to stop your partner from contacting you and to keep you safe. Your local police service or a Victim Services Unit can give you information as well.
- Learn to erase phone numbers from any call display and to erase the history on your computer. You do not want your partner to know who you called or where you were planning on going.
- Pack a small emergency bag and put it in a safe location where your partner will not find it. This may be with a trusted friend or in a place that only you know about. Include such items as cash or prepaid credit or debit cards. Spare car keys and copies of your id and health records. Don’t forget copies of any important documents like no-contact orders or custody orders and any prescription drugs will need until you can get refills.
- If your former partner is stalking or harassing you do not hesitate and report this to police. Stalking is a crime called criminal harassment and generally is defined as a crime in which repeated incidents occur over time so write every incident down and keep those records in a safe place. Ensure you have recorded the date, location and time of each incident and what exactly transpired. Tell key people around you that your ex-partner is stalking or harassing you and show them a picture of your ex-partner so they can watch out for him or her. If you do not have a no-contact order in place now would be a good time to get one in place
- If you have children and they are with you then you need to tell them exactly what they should do in an emergency and how they can tell that it is an emergency.
The more conversations we have about domestic violence the more we raise awareness of it. Whether you know someone that is in a violent and abusive intimate partner relationship or you are the victim of this type of relationship know that it is not your fault and now is the time to break the silence. It’s time to speak up all month long.
