Lessons From A Single Dad

Advice to help you move forward

Being a single parent means you have a lot on your plate. When you are a single mom, the world expects you to be perfect, and if you’re not, then you end up being shamed for it. As a single father, the world looks at you in a much different light. Due to the negligence of previous generations, the bar for single fathers has been set pretty low. It’s not that we can do no wrong, but rather it’s the fact that not much is expected of us so when we even remotely come close to being a good parent people notice.

When you are a single father though, you have some very unique challenges that require a lot of courage, compassion, and a truckload of patience, to face each new day. As you journey forward, here is some advice that may help you.

Be mindful of your words

In every single father situation, there were once two parents. As your child or children get older, they will eventually ask you about your relationship with their mother. How you choose to behave and respond to these questions will determine your child’s perception of relationships as well as that of the other parent. Regardless of how the relationship broke down, your child needs to know you are there to answer the difficult questions, and you must answer them without any negative feelings for the other parent. Harboring any ill will towards the other parent will not change the situation, and it only serves to create resentment and anger.

Learn to lean on your support network

Traditionally a man’s pride and ego have prevented him from reaching towards or asking for help. As the number of single father homes increased over the last 50 years, and we are more socially accepted, there has been a dramatic increase in support. If support groups are not available in your area, a quick search on social media should provide you with options. When you come up against a particularly challenging situation, it is always beneficial to bounce ideas off of other men who are in a situation similar to your own.

Since stress and parenting go together, it is important to find ways to either meet stress head-on or reduce it. Learning effective and healthy coping mechanisms is important, and will allow you to get through even the most challenging times. Part of coping with stress is practicing good self-care and again getting help when needed. It is easy to fall victim to unhealthy coping mechanisms, so if you find yourself using alcohol, drugs or sex as a means to cope, I urge you to reach out to your support network or seek professional help.

Remember you’re the parent

Another challenge single fathers face is discipline. We often don’t want to make things harder than they already are, but this is where you need to parent based on your beliefs and values. Watching your child struggle through your divorce can lead to us having a feeling of incredible guilt. I know it can be difficult, but sometimes the most loving thing a parent can ever say to their child is no. Remember the boundaries and values you instill in them now will make it far easier on them later in life. Even though it is easy to want to be their friend, you must remember you are their parent first. Yes, your child might be angry or upset, but those feelings will not last, and they will eventually appreciate the work you put in parenting them.

On dating

It is human nature to get lonely and want the company of others. Eventually, you may choose to get back into the dating game, and only you will know when it is the right time. This poses unique challenges as your child may quickly resent the other person thinking they are there to replace their mother. Be open and honest with your children about this and your reasoning behind wanting to date. Your children are still children though, and it is important to know how much detail is enough. Be cautious about making introductions to early as the last thing you want your children to see is a revolving door of partners.

Learning to communicate

As our children grow and the challenges of being a single parent build, it can be difficult relating to our children. Communication also tends to suffer, but we need to remember that an important component of communication, is being a good listener. Yes, at times, your children may need advice or guidance but so often they just want to be heard. We, as men, want to fix what is wrong but just listening to our children and validating what they are feeling can be more important then you offering advice or a solution. Children benefit from solving their problems by themselves so be mindful of this.
As the years go by, your children’s habits, likes and dislikes will change. Keep the lines of communication open and show them they can talk to you about anything at any time.

​One of the best ways to be a successful parent is to just make sure you stay involved. Parenting involves a tremendous amount of trial and error, so take each day as they come and learn to forgive yourself for the mistake you will make. You will never get it right every day, so please don’t be hard on yourself. Learn to reach out to your support network and remember you only have 18 summers, falls, winters and springs with your children. So make the most of them.