Love Must Be Tough
What does it take to save a marriage
They say every marriage can be saved and I have to agree with that statement. But while every marriage can be saved one has to stop and ask should every marriage be saved? That question lingered in the back of my mind just over 2 years ago when my wife asked for a divorce. It hit me hard but at the same time I knew we were not doing well and she had a history of running from relationships.
A part of me thought ours relationship would be different since we were actually married and it was she that proposed. On top of that we have an amazing and loving son that would surely he devastated by this decision. So how do you stop a divorce? Can you even stop it? Should you even stop it? Questions like these flew through my mind as I scrambled to make sense of what she just said to me.
Most men will tell you they aren’t prepared for the slap in the face they get when their wife has an affair or wants a divorce. We often cant see that there have been warning signs for years and that she has been working on the marriage for even longer. Was mine any different? The slap in the face came months after she decided to stop taking her anti depressants. Months after our last date we had and the day after I found out about her emotional affair with a coworker. I would be naïve to believe it was all her fault. I tried though because playing the victim part sometimes feels so good. I knew I wasn’t perfect and I knew I wasn’t going to let our marriage slip away without a fight. But where does one even begin?
If I can be honest and having the ability to look back on things, if you are trying to save your marriage please listen and listen well. A marriage therapist or counselor is a great idea. That therapist will more often then not so wonders for your relationship. However, and this is the important part, if you are going to see a therapist or counselor to save your marriage it is already too late and it will probably do more harm then good. Marriage therapy is great for a relationship tune up but the worst advice for a marriage on the brink of divorce. A marriage coach is a better choice and a worthwhile investment even if only one of you participates. A couch at least will hold you accountable while a therapist will try to support you down whichever path you chose. Even if it is the wrong path
Therapy and a coach were out of the question for us as she decided she only would attend one session so she could tell the divorce court judge she tried. Feeling like I was in a downward spiral I turned to what every man in a state of panic about his relationship would do. I started to google how to save my marriage. If ever there has been a moment of information overload for any guy it is this moment. Between social media groups and witch doctors that promised to restore my marriage as well as increase my returning wife’s libido I was more confused then ever and rather angry at the whole situation. Faced with the prospect of the divorce getting to be more of a reality I knew I needed to start fresh and stop listening to the incredible amount of bad advice that is out there and do the only thing I could do. I began to rebuild me. I stopped drinking and not just on weekends but today it has been 722 days since my last drink. Then again when you average 2 beers a month it’s easy to stop. I began eating better and paying more attention to my body. This meant hitting the gym, the doctor, and the dentist. Let’s face it we want to be the best version of us that we can be for our age. i read books like crazy and cut out most social media hoping not just looking smart but being smart would make me more attractive. I worked on the triggers of my past and learned to control the firefighter inside of me that would show up when things didn’t work out just as I wanted.
We had moments of reconciliation and moments of separation over the past 2 years but then one day this spring it hit me. No I mean literally hit me as in her hand across my face. For so long I wanted us back together because I was attached to an outcome. A specific outcome. My mind told me I will never find a another woman like her. I was needy and dependent and put her on a pedestal. And I let her walk all over me with plenty of emotional and verbal abuse. All that changed the day she struck me. I had turned on my phone to record her telling me to commit suicide so she could collect my life insurance and get married again to someone else that will be a better father to our son. Every marriage can be saved but should they?
