On Being Rejected
At some point in time, we all will suffer from anxiety. My anxiety issues began very early in my life and have continued right through adulthood. For those suffering from anxiety-related issues the world can be a challenging place but it is important to understand our triggers and work through them. Life has thrown me several curve balls over the years including having parents that preoccupied themselves with helping everyone but their son too being in a marriage where I was cheated on and physically and emotionally abused. It is hard not to have a complex over abandonment and rejection. Eventually you begin to wonder if you are enough or is this the way life is supposed to be?
Over the past 30 plus years, rejection has been the biggest trigger for my anxiety and at times it has been so debilitating that even the mere thought of possibly being rejected has caused me to avoid applying for jobs or asking out the woman next to me on the bus. I often would avoid a sensitive issue with my partner for fear of starting a fight which would, in my mind, cause her to abandon me and I would be left again feeling rejected.
I have had a few different professions over the years it is my current career, as a technical trainer, that has taught me how to have a healthy relationship with rejection and how to sometimes just not give a shit. As I became a subject matter expert in my field my confidence began to grow which has led me to begin to love myself all over again. By loving myself I began to see that for me to feel the emotions I would often feel over rejection, I would need to play the role of the victim. I don’t know about you but I don’t like playing the role of the victim nor do I like giving that power to anyone that has victimized me. Once I realized that the only way for me to grow as a person is to deal with the rejection I started to have a complete shift in perspective. The rejection was not hurting me but teaching me.
With a new mindset, I began to focus on doing things that empowered me and actually showing up to do them. It wasn’t enough to say I will do them I had to make sure I followed through and did them. This, in turn, created a flood of stress and emotions including anxiety which again made my triggers start to resurface. With the new mindset, I was able to recognize the emotions and start to regulate them. It is not easy to do as it takes time and effort to work on your emotions and triggers. Often, I would work on them for a bit, retreat and lick my wounds and then do it all over again.
Having the ability to understand your triggers and emotions is one thing but it is totally useless unless you are willing to do the work and heal yourself. You cant do this my just sitting on your fucking ass. As someone once said to me “ David you can sit in a chicken coop for 20 years but your still not going to be a chicken”. Understanding childhood trauma and triggers gave me the courage to walk away from my abusive marriage and has challenged me to apply for the jobs I really want. It is hard to feel rejected from a relationship when you realize you don’t need anyone else in your life but yourself.
Being on Medium has given me another platform to work on my anxiety as I draft stories and publish them. Does anyone really care about what I write and is my writing worthy enough for them to spend their time reading it? I don’t really care I guess because these stories ultimately are for me and if you like them that is just an extra bonus for me.
For most people, the prospect of being rejected by another human being creates the fear and anxiety we so dread. When you break it down through all the emotions and triggers we need to understand that fear is a choice and we make that choice based on the meaning we have attached to the potential for rejection. Part of the fear of rejection can stem from the fact that you are too attached to the outcome of what you are trying to do. We feel hurt of rejected when we don’t get the job we always wanted because in our minds we had already figured out what we would do with the raise in pay and how we would brag about it on Instagram.
Today when i am rejected it tells me that I am one step closer to where it is that I want to go. Attachment to an outcome has been removed as I embrace the feedback rejection provides. When you get good at being rejected you understand which areas of your life, your writing, your health you need to improve upon. If your ego is too large then how others react to you will be a valuable lesson that I hope you heed. If others are taking advantage of you then clearly you lack self-respect. So, now, rather than me being fearful of rejection, I turn towards it and embrace it. When I embrace it I know it will take me where I want to go. Embrace rejection.
