One Of Us Knows The Two Of Us Don’t Belong In Each Other’s Company

The funny thing about a divorce is that even though the marriage will be dissolved the memories, both good and bad, remain and there are times, like tonight, that they will haunt you and push you to the edge.

What no one tells you is that there will be nights you will fall asleep and have dreams about your former spouse, beautiful and wonderful dreams, and then you will awake and realize the bed next to you is still empty and you are alone. On nights like tonight my brain doesn’t want to let me sleep for fear of another one of those dreams happening. Make no mistake my marriage is over and that is a choice I have chosen to make. My former spouse will forever be in my life, because we have an amazing son together, but co-parenting from separate homes is the best for all of us. I am not saying she is Satan but let’s face it nobody has ever seen her and Satan in the same room at the same time.

Most days the pain I feel is from a sense of dread and displeasure when I check my emails as I await more correspondence from my lawyer. Each one of those emails carefully crafted to get me to respond so she can tack on another 30 minutes to my legal bill. To help alleviate this I have relegated myself to checking my emails just before bed so as I can be the most productive I can be throughout the day, otherwise I find myself being sucked into the proverbial rabbit hole that divorce is and I really don’t like becoming that person. Look I get it I really do. My lawyer is really looking out for my best interest and she is helping me “get my balls back” and I admit that is very appealing and needed. But there are times when I look at the amount of emails and the financial cost of the separation and divorce and I feel like throwing up.

My former spouse and I have hidden our pending divorce from most of the people we know so it is not surprising to hear yet another friend say they find it hard to believe since it is “ obvious to everyone just how much she loves you”. Really Tim? Is it? Do you really think she does? Was this before or after she decided to throw a right hook to my jaw? No Tim we just hid our problems well and chose not to air our dirty laundry on social media. Shocking I know.

Its reminders like those though that you get used to and they really don’t bother me anymore but they do make you falsely believe that the worst is behind. Its not those emails or reminders form friends that get you though. Fear the hidden ones that come sneaking back into your life that are prepared to knock you on your ass and leave you a mess for the next several days.

I am not sure who this person works for or what his name really is but i will call him Connor, partly because I am Irish and he must really be drunk. Tonight Connor decided to work at every radio station I had access to today. I don’t know his direct purpose but a large part of his motive was to ensure they played every song they could to make me think of my wife and the hollowness I now have inside of me that wasn’t there a few hours ago.

Life has been pretty good lately and most days are pretty darn livable and some ever border on great, although they never fully make it there. One day though they will. One day.

I have survived and so far thrived through the challenges and circumstances that have led me to be here. I started taking better care of my body, doing new things and meeting new people while I discarded those that no longer served any purpose to me. For the better part of each day I don’t even think about her anymore because we have chosen to be more or less absent and silent for so long in a life we were supposed to have until death do us part.

Tonight though Connor is the jerk that needs to get off the sauce and leave me alone.

“Tell me that you’re leaving

And I’m trying to understand

I had myself believing

I should take it like a man”