Sorry Guys But Getting Back Together With Her Is A Bad Idea
Research tells us that throughout our lives, we generally will have a handful of genuine romantic relationships. Not one night stands or casual hookups but a relationship that is designed to be long term. While some people meet and marry right out of high school others will become serial daters and never really settle down but the average person will have closer to six relationships. Meeting a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with can be tricky and nothing is ever guaranteed with anyone. True love is a fantasy and to make a relationship last requires effort that few people today seem to be willing to offer. Sometimes love grows and other times heartbreak leaves us questioning if we ever will meet “the one” or should you just start taking in more stray cats.
There are also times when both partners recognize the mistakes they made. have grown as a result and regret the ending of the relationship and would like to try the relationship one more time. Other times we are just scared about entering the dating world again and we want back our ex back again because despite the pain the relationship caused us the discomfort of the dating worlds is much worse. Having been married for 10 years and now facing the reality of entering the dating world I find the anxiety building. Someone once told me that entering the dating world was akin to standing up on a stage, completely naked, in front of every woman in the world saying “Hey ladies look at me. Here I am, flaws and all. Do you find yourself interested enough in me to want to talk to me, go out with me, fuck me and be my girlfriend?” Maybe it is my dad bod talking but just the thought of that is downright terrifying if you ask me.
While each relationship is unique I can honestly say unless you and your ex have children together, you really should think twice about getting back together with them. Granted there are always exceptions to every rule and certainly, if there is or was any abuse then you really should give your head a shake if you are considering getting back together with them.
When we separate from a romantic partner we work through different stages of healing and often we will find ourselves in a position where we will start fondly remembering some aspects of the relationship or the other person. These memories can cause us to miss the other person to the point where we overlook the bad of the relationship and we want to try again because we are now attached to an outcome.
Buddhism has given us the Four Noble Truths which are essential truths about life. The second noble truth tells us that the root of all suffering is attachment. Not only does attachment cause us suffering but it also causes us an incredible amount of anxiety. When men become attached to an outcome in a relationship all too often this is the cause for the majority of the inappropriate behavior we exhibit towards a woman.
Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” points out the different types of attachments that can destroy any positive emotional tension between a man and a woman. These attachments include:
- Not wanting to be rejected
- Not wanting to look foolish
- Not wanting to upset a woman
- Wanting to make a woman happy
- Wanting to impress a woman
- Wanting a specific woman to like you because she has nice breasts
- Wanting an ex back because she feels familiar and you think you will never find anyone better
When a man suffers from these types of attachments he will play things safe and attempt to avoid rocking the boat to seek a woman’s approval. As Dr. Glover points out “you begin to practice Nice Guy Seduction which is to say you try and go slow in the relationship and attempt to cover up your sexual agenda. You listen to her talk and do things for her and try to be different from the other guys.”
As men we may also practice attachments that are at the other end of the spectrum and often involve pushing and prodding where we attempt to manipulate or guilt women. We will ply them with alcohol until they are intoxicated and essentially ignore a woman’s signs that she is not interested or not available. Essentially we want what we want and we try to find a way to have it. While wants and desires are ok to have it is how you approach those wants and desires that will either show self-control or make you the target of her #metoo post on social media.
Now how do you even begin to date anyone if you don’t have some sort of attachment to an outcome? We are human after all and we all will at some point in time become emotionally attached to an outcome. Work on limiting your attachments or rejecting them completely and instead focus on your wants, desires and needs. As Dr Glover continues “ We are wired to want connection. We are wired to want to fuck. We are wired to want to feel desirable. The way society has evolved, we typically try meeting all these needs by finding a desirable (in our eyes) woman to connect with, fuck, and love us.”
While men tend to love it when an ex of ours comes sniffing around and wants to try one more time or just to hook up women are much different in this area. When a woman closes a door on a man rarely will she ever open it again for him. In her mind, she has moved on and she will be focusing on other interests.
If a woman has closed the door on you or rejected you in the past why would you want to be with this woman? When you chase a woman and attempt to get her to choose you back you have given up your position as the alpha and now you are the beta. You woman is not having to be the masculine one in the relationship and honestly, she is going to tire of this very quickly and soon you will find yourself right back where you started. Alone. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone that doesn’t need to be manipulated or guilted into being with you?
Through deprivation thinking, we tell ourselves that we will never be able to find another woman like her or better than her. This line of thinking usually has its roots in our childhood experiences when, at some point in time, we felt we weren’t important or lovable enough. This line of thinking leads us to believe we are not able to express our needs directly, causes us to make short term decisions based on impulse which increases our difficulties in the long term and makes us very vulnerable to temptations. In romantic relationships this shows up as we fail to set appropriate boundaries, we give up far too much of ourselves and we put her on a pedestal.
If an ex comes knocking on your door the decision will be yours to make. Choose a partner that freely chooses you for who you are and stop with the self-limiting beliefs and deprivation thinking and learn to enjoy life.
