The Importance Of Male Friends
How to find the right ones to help you grow
Throughout my forty-something years of life on this planet, I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with some great careers, children and above all else male friends. Friends that were not just friends but held me accountable for who I was and what I did. They made sure I lived my life according to my terms as a man, and if I deviated from it they were right there to help me see the errors of my ways and to guide me back. As men, our relationship with other men play an extremely important role in our lives, and yet so many men don’t know how to go about doing it.
From years of research, we now know that social connections are vital to our overall health and that loneliness kills. Men are three times as likely as a woman to commit suicide and loneliness plays a large role in these numbers. Those that are well connected to family, friends, and the community are not only happier but they have a longer life span and physically, are healthier. Those that are subjected to prolonged periods of loneliness see their health decline sooner and also see a quicker decline in brain functioning. The sad fact is that loneliness is worse for you than obesity. It turns out that it is easy to be lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage, but good quality relationships help buffer us from the inevitable lessons life throws our may. From getting old to dealing with divorce, being able to rely on friends means you will live longer and stay healthier far later into life.
With these health risks, why is it then that men seem to have such a difficult time making friends? Even those men in a committed relationship can often find themselves leading an isolated life. For most men, admitting they are lonely is tantamount to admitting they are a loser. In western culture, we have conditioned our children that to be a real man, you are not allowed to show any signs of weakness, and therefore must not be vulnerable or show emotions. Often our very own father contributed to this epidemic as we were unable to build a safe and connected relationship with them. They were not there to challenge us to grow and to learn how to feel safe among other men. Since men lack the kind of masculine initiation we need to survive, we often will begin to seek the approval of women and begin distracting ourselves with alcohol, drugs, video games or work.
For men to embrace their masculinity, they must learn to comfortable around other men. This means being vulnerable and exposing yourself. Essentially, learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable. If we are not successful at learning how to connect with other men, we will never be able to create the kind of tension that attracts women towards us. We have to confront our fears, and anxieties, that not only keep us from engaging with other men but also come with engaging in shared activities with them. The struggle to connect with other men is often boiled down to the fact that we just did not have older men in our lives that served as role models and showed us how to connect.
From researching, I can tell you there are all kinds of so-called experts giving out advice on how to connect with other men. Not surprisingly, many women are covering this topic, but that’s a story for another day. While there was tons of advice, I was unable to find anyone that did a study involving enough men to be able to give us concrete data on how to make good male friends. From my own experience, I suggest you start by joining some kind of men’s group. There are all kinds of groups online or within your community. From The Knights Of Columbus, Masons, Common Ground by Men’s Wellbeing, to one of my personal favorites The Order Of Man. This is where I began to rebuild myself after my marriage started to fail. I found a safe group that permitted and encouraged me to express myself to other men, and we engaged as equals. Yes, each group has its very own dynamics, and some are more religious than others. Most, however, offer little or no religious affiliation and in each one, you will be able to find an important role to play. Once you can find a group or a person that you share some common ground with the process becomes that much easier. It was by being part of a group like this that I began working on being more assertive towards my needs and began taking risks.
Finding other men who you not only get along with but push you to show up to your full potential is your goal. As you begin to meet new men, it is up to you to decide just who you are willing to let into your inner circle. This is when it becomes essential to know the terms you are wanting to live your life by. Those in your inner circle should hold you to those terms, and they should be there to hold you accountable should you seek to compromise them. They help you grow and develop, and you should do the same for them. What I am essentially saying is that you need to be just as selective of the people you let into your life as the selfies you choose to post on social media. If you’re willing to take dozens of photographs just to find the right one of yourself, then shouldn’t you be just as picky with your friends? Not everyone you let into your life has the best intentions for you or your life, so spend the time to evaluate each person you let into your life and find those who inspire and push you to reach your full potential. Often as we grow in life, we realize we need to remove certain friends that no longer allow us to become the best version of ourselves. When it comes to male friendships, we often stay loyal to those that serve us no purpose or are limiting our potential just because we grew up with them. We are in a comfort zone that we are scared to step out of, yet by staying in it we limit our growth and full potential. Remember you become who you hang around with.
As you navigate the process of building male friendships, it is important to recognize that this is a process that takes a lifetime. As we each continue to grow and evolve, those in our lives may change. Taking the leap and creating these male friendships though will allow you to become more masculine, confident, and your life will change for the better. I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much as I have enjoyed writing it. If you have any questions, thoughts, or ideas, please feel free to share them!
