The Marriage Advice Every Guy Needs To Hear
If you are a typical husband, you have probably ignored most of your wife’s signs that the marriage was in trouble. It wasn’t until she finally gave you that slap in the face you so deserved that you started to pay attention. This slap across the face can come in the form of her asking for a divorce, or finding out that she is having an affair. When it finally happens, you will sit there stunned, in shock and wondering how she can suddenly do such a thing. Truth be known, she has been telling you for years that the marriage was in trouble, but you were blind and deaf.
In the early hours and days of the slap, we do what we, as men, often try to do. We try to fix it. To fix her. After all, how could she do something like this to her family? To us? You will scramble for answers and begin frantically searching on Google. You will be preyed upon by people claiming to have the secret sentence or trick to win your wife back. You will drink, skip sleep, and make the situation far worse than it ever was.
You will jump on every social media forum you can find to vent, cry and blame. In your haze, you will ignore very sound and proper advice from some very knowledgeable people. After all, you're still blaming her, so you will have no intention of applying whatever advice you get. It’s at this moment that you need to stop, find a way to breathe, pull yourself together, and for once listen to the best advice you can ever get. What you do with it is up to you, but let’s face the facts here. If what you were doing now was working, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?
Time to face reality
A woman doesn’t leave a man that makes her feel loved, understood, appreciated, supported, and valued. If she is cheating on you, it is because some other guy is treating her better then you treated her. Some other guy has seen the value in her that you took for granted. You can get mad at her all you want but you were not meeting her needs. Even through an affair or threats of divorce she doesn’t want to leave you, but she is tired of you not hearing her. When your wife slaps you in the face, you need to realize that it is solely because of how you made her feel, and it has nothing to do with logic or reason. You will never be able to win her back unless you can accept responsibility for not meeting the needs of your wife. You can argue and blame her all you want, but nothing will begin to change until you come to terms with your failures.
Space versus Distance
If you’re going to win her back, you need to take the lead and figure out how to reconnect with her. Far to often, a woman will ask for space, and in our minds, we immediately believe that this means distance. When she asks for space it is because she wants you to stop hovering over her, smothering her and just back off. Remember that you can give her space without moving out. Without leaving. Learn to back off and let her initiate the contact. Unless there is an issue concerning your children, or an outstanding bill ignore what she is doing. Don’t call or text her and stop doing everything for her, thinking this will win her back.
Let her manage the relationship
When you give her space, you also need to realize that she has no interest in talking about the relationship. You’re going to want to talk about it and try to reason with her. If you attempt to apply logic to the situation, she will only withdraw further. By continuously bringing up the marriage, you are essentially telling her that her feelings don’t matter. That she is wrong for feeling what she feels. What happens when people tell you that you’re wrong? You get defensive. You shut down and build up walls. The pressure you are applying to the relationship will only make things worse. When she is ready to talk about the relationship she will bring it up. Be strong and control your emotions. Let her vent and call you names but emotionally you need to be a rock and just validate her feelings and let her know you hear her.
Acceptance
Its time for you to come to terms with the fact that this is the end of your marriage. The reality is that your marriage is over or at least the marriage that you had. The hurt caused by the both of you will forever change who you are as individuals and as a couple. You will both need to forgive and learn to love each other again and learn how to build a new marriage. Keep in mind though that you may never be able to win your wife back and save your marriage. However, regardless of what happens, you must change your habits and transform yourself, if you are to ever have a successful relationship again.
Find help!
You alone are not capable of saving your marriage. You alone or not capable of transforming yourself to become the man you need to be. It takes courage, strength, and help. From personal experience, I can tell you to stay as far away from a marriage therapist as you possibly can. Instead, find yourself a coach or a mentor that understands your goals. Find one that can develop a solid plan and hold you accountable. Doing anything different is simply wasting your time.
Homework
To reinforce just how much you contributed to the downfall of your marriage, its time to brush off your library card and start doing some homework. While books from the likes of John Gottman certainly have their place, it’s important to realize that Gottman’s books are more geared to keeping you from getting the slap you have just received. To begin the transformation of yourself, you need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. If the slap in the face hasn’t woken you up yet, this book will. The second biggest shift will come from reading His needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr. Rent them, borrow them or buy them and read them over and over again until you know them word for word. It is all about learning how to meet a person’s emotional needs. Both yours and hers.
We all know that there are no guarantees in life. No matter how hard you try you may never succeed in turning your marriage around. Regardless of the outcome, it’s important that you put all your effort into to heal yourself and learn to be the best person you can be. You owe it to your wife, your marriage, and yourself. Of course you can also ignore all of this and continue to go about doing what you have always been doing. But how has that been working out for you?
