Transforming Through The Help Of Pain
When my wife first betrayed our wedding vows I remember that even before the initial shock and disbelief had worn off I was searching for answers. Like any betrayed spouse I had questions that I felt I needed to answers for but I wasn’t sure if I even wanted or could handle them. To wrap my mind around this mess our marriage had become I began to immerse myself in expert help as well as diving deeper into theology and becoming a more spiritual person. I began a quest to make sense of what has transpired not just in my eyes but through the eyes of my spouse as well. As humans, we seem to have an innate desire to know all the facts around the betrayal or crisis. We need to comfort ourselves by blaming someone for it. We want to know it wasn't our fault. We yearn to make sense of it all so that we can, if possible, repair what has hurt us.
It’s been over 2 years now since I first read the text messages that shattered the belief I had about my marriage and the answers to the questions I was seeking never fully came. At least I was never satisfied with what was put in front of me and my former spouse only give what little information she felt she had to. Through mediation and therapy I would search for a deeper meaning to what had happened and what was still to come but it wasn’t until I purposely began to make time away from the relationship that I was able to reflect on my journey and realize I was presented with the gift of transformation.
We don’t always get a choicer in how the gift of transformation will be presented to us nor even when it will happen. Sometimes we experience this shift through a chance encounter through a church retreat and other times it comes from one of those “A-Ha!” moments with our therapist or through a book that resonates with us. Nothing could be more ideal then opportunities like those but the reality is that more often than not, transformation comes in the form of one of life’s moments that are designed to break you. It’s not a package that can be sent back nor do we know what to do with when we first receive it but make no mistake nobody wants it.
When my wife’s infidelity was exposed my gift showed up, unexpected and looming very ominously in front of me. It didn’t look much like a gift to me and when presented I was left to wonder if this was the end of us, the end of life as we know it, the end of financial stability and the end of the dream of a happy home and family? Shame filled every inch of me and to say my ego took a blow would be an understatement. Who knew about it before me and for how long have they known? Was their others? Who can I turn to for support and who can I trust? When I recited my wedding vows I didn’t realize I signed up to be treated like this.
The transformation that happened was unexpected but needed as I had become complacent on where I was in life and realized I had also become dependent on other people making me happy instead of finding my joys in life. My work was suffering as I coasted through each day and I was in an abusive marriage where I was manipulated to fulfill someone else’s desires. My life needed to change and while I wish the gift of transformation could have come in a less painful way I am forever grateful for my former spouse’s selfishness and self-absorption.
If you’re in a moment of crisis or a life-altering event has just taken place it may be helpful to take some time and look at what has transpired and to see the event for the opportunity it is. How you will respond will make all the difference. The quality and type of help you get will either make or break you. Transform you or destroy you. Yes, I know you probably felt like life was going pretty good until you were blindsided. After all, when things appear to be going well we never realize we still need a change or to change. If it was a betrayal in your marriage know that this doesn’t mean there isn’t an opportunity for a new life together for both of you and by all means, you should make a real and honest effort to salvage your relationship. Remember though you can’t control what happens in life only how you respond to the events and how you respond will determine the quality of your life from this day forward. At times it will hurt like nothing you have ever been through and other times it will be just beyond manageable. Despite what some may tell you there is no sucking it up and moving on as this will only cause you further pain and suffering. Rather it is about facing the fact that to have a new life and some peace you will need to walk the uncomfortable path of healing. It’s not easy and it never will be but each new journey begins by putting one foot in front of the other. I hope today you can find the strength you need to take one more step forward in finding peace in your transformative journey.
