What Happens When You Yell At Your Child
The science behind early childhood development shows us that the most impressionable time of a child’s life is from birth to roughly the age of seven. During this time the rapidly growing brain lays down a sturdy foundation for how it will communicate and interact with the world. To do this it begins processing how the child is responded to in any given situation. As we are all products of our environment, it stands to reason then that a child’s personality is significantly influenced by their surroundings, and therefore a child’s strongest influences tend to be their caregivers. It should not be a surprise then that how we behave has a direct effect on our children.
Regardless of social status or wealth, all children are born with the same two traits. They are all born helpless and therefore are not only dependent on others but have a grave fear of abandonment. And secondly, research shows they are ego-centered. By this, I mean that in a child’s mind they firmly believe that their world revolves around them.
These two factors are extremely important when you begin to look at what is happening within a child as they go into full meltdown mode. If you are a parent, you know exactly the meltdown I am talking about. The wiring between all the areas of their brain seems to get unplugged and crossed over, and it shuts down. You try reasoning with them and telling them they need to relax or to calm down, but what you are failing to grasp is that they are unable to process anything during these moments. Think of how you respond in a freeze, flight, or fight situation. Your reasoning and ability to process your emotions shut down. The same for your child.
Being unable to reason with our child, we get frustrated and angry. We forget that we, as role models, need to control our emotions and set a good example. Yet before we know it, our voices become elevated and suddenly, we are losing our shit and screaming. Your child may be able to push your buttons like an adult, but they do not have to emotional maturity to handle being yelled at and we haven’t made the situation any better. Your child may have stopped their meltdown but only out of fear, and we have failed to educate them on the consequences of their actions. Sure, yelling often feels like the best way to get a kid’s attention, to punish them, or to simply express our feelings of anger. But yelling at kids is never helpful.
As they rely on us to shape their personalities and behavior, they will begin to associate aggressive shouting as a normal part of growing up and begin to mimic this behavior. Yelling soon becomes associated with verbal putdowns and insults and quickly crosses the boundary into emotional abuse. Emotional abuse creates long term trauma and shows up as anxiety, low self-esteem, and increased aggression towards others. As their understanding of healthy boundaries and self-respect are skewed, they will have difficulties in relationships throughout their lives.
So now we have arrived at one of the biggest dilemmas parents often face. How do we stop yelling at our children, and what do we do instead? First, it is important to point out that this conversation is not about yelling at our kids to keep them safe. If your child is about to rush into a busy street or grab a knife, by all means, use whatever tactic is necessary. If we are to change our behavior, so we don’t respond to our children's meltdowns by yelling, then we need to practice some self-discipline. We need to remember that as parents our primary purpose is to protect our children from harm. It is therefore paramount that we learn to create an environment that our children feel safe to express their emotions no matter how big. Chances are they are expressing their emotions because they feel unsafe and if you retaliate by screaming right back at them, then you have simply reinforced to them that they are not safe and neither are you. Remember your child’s meltdown has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them not feeling safe.
It is up to us, in these moments, to learn how to regulate our own emotions, stay calm and just be present in our child’s life. Holding them during these times reassures them that they are okay and loved and teaches them how to manage their big feelings.
