Writing To Heal Through Divorce
With today’s technology, we have the world at our fingertips or at least in our phones. Within seconds we can have answers from Google and we can figure out what something is, how to build something or even find new love just by swiping to the right. Being a product of my environment I not only love this technology but I have also have become quite dependent on it as well. Both Siri or Alexa certainly know how to listen in on every conversation we have but there is one area of your life where tossing the technology may just be the most helpful thing you can do for yourself.
Any form of stress, trauma or even unexpected life events can throw people off balance and let’s face it divorce fits into all of those categories. Pain is a by-product of stress and trauma and while some pain can be helpful too much is never good. We all have different coping mechanisms but one of the best ways to help you with emotional pain is through writing. For this purpose, there is no substitute for good old fashioned paper.
Growing up I always enjoyed writing as a way to escape but neglected the practice later in life as I became engrossed in fatherhood, being a husband and trying to carve out a living. Putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper is called expressive writing and for many people, this offers much need help with coping with the events and how you feel about them. If you’re experiencing major depression, PTSD or any other major mental health issue writing about your thoughts and feelings will likely not help you at all. If you are experiencing any major mental health issue please consult with a trained professional that can help you.
As I watched my marriage crumble and eventually come to an end I had an array of emotions inside of me but the one that stood out the most was pain. While my therapist informed me this was completely normal it didn’t feel normal to me and I struggled with finding ways to cope with it. Early in my marriage my ex-wife would often interrupt me or minimize my feelings or sometimes just outright belittle and make fun of me for having them. Over the years my sense of self-worth, as well as my confidence, was reduced to next to nothing and expressing emotions was the last thing I felt comfortable doing. Why would I put myself through more mockery was the attitude I began to take. When we began seeing a therapist to try and save our marriage I had become a master at stonewalling and shutting down so you can imagine my hesitation when the therapist asked me to write a letter to myself, about what I was feeling, and to put it in an envelope and mail it. While I tried to find justification to just put it in an email my therapist stood her ground and expected me to bring in the letter, unopened, at our next therapy one on one session where I would read it out loud.
Reading what you once wrote can be just as difficult as putting those words down on paper but both can be very therapeutic and we can gain some needed perspective into our lives. How I felt on the day I caught my ex-wife cheating on me was different than how I felt when her second affair was exposed. When I found out about her third affair the anger was completely replaced by emptiness and sadness.
Over the first several months I moved on from writing myself letters to keeping a journal. To this day I still go back to them when I need to put some perspective on just how much I have been through and how far I have come. They also help to remind me how hard I fought for my marriage. Small details once forgotten suddenly are brought back and I know when my son asks me questions about why his mother and I divorced I will be able to say I fought with all the courage in the world and I left no stone unturned.
While friends are important….
When going through a divorce it is important to have a good support network but as good as they are at some point in time even they will get tired of listening to you. Don’t take this personal because trust me they still care about you every much but they just are not able to relate to all the pain you are feeling and what you are going through. To effectively get over the loss of any relationship we need to effectively process our emotions and as we travel down the path of divorce you will need to grieve the loss of your marriage. You will never completely get over the loss of your marriage as it will forever shape you. As you grieve you may find it helpful to write about your favorite memories together, what they meant to you and how they impacted your life. Don’t be afraid to write directly to them and say what you feel needs to be said. Remember your journal is a safe and judgment-free place to learn how to express yourself again and to help you heal. Write what naturally comes out and do not fear or feel ashamed if what comes out is unexpected and scary.
This is your journal and therefore you are free to do with it whatever you want. Some days I wouldn’t feel like writing while other days I forced myself because I knew I had emotions that were built up and needed to be released. Other days you may feel like drawing a picture to express yourself but regardless of what you do it is your space and you have total control over it. Looking back on my journals it is amazing what I was able to write but could never say. Getting these feelings out and processing them allowed me to be a better friend to those around me and a much better father to my son.
Just who is inside of you now?
During my marriage, I knew who we were. We were ”we” for lack of a better term. When you divorce a large part of your identity is lost and it can be difficult to figure out who the “I” is again. You may think you know but trust me life doesn’t work that way. The other person in the “we” affected everything in your life right down to the clothes you wore, the food you ate and the movies you watched. Now granted none of this should have been forced upon you. You simply compromised or adapted your lifestyle to accommodate the other person until you became a mixture of you and them. Through writing, I was able to explore who I was and who I want to become as I navigate through life.
Who you want to become takes planning as you may feel you would like to explore new and exciting people, places or things in your quest to grow as a person. Writing can be very helpful as you begin to start prioritizing your life and sorting out how to make life happen on your terms.
In my journey from marriage, separation and now divorce I often felt the need to be heard and say what I needed to say. While friends and therapists do help it is the piece of paper that has always listened. It never once judged or turned its back on me. While keeping a journal may not cure everything that is hurting you it may just help you find a path to self-discovery, healing and eventually a new life.
